The Bus to Binghamton

When Frank Tedeschi accidentally sent series instructions to Joe Shabot instead of Frank Lentine, the mixed-up results were reported in the newsletter this way:

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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Binghamton

The Bethesda Bambinos will apparently need remedial education in geography, if they ever get out of grammar school. This story of mixed up travel plans and mistaken identity is almost too bizarre to believe.

The Capitol Division’s second place Bambinos loaded up the team bus on the afternoon of May 2nd for the 10 hour drive up to Binghamton. The Crabbs had planned a big civic weekend around the return of native son Frank Tedeschi, including a parade, pizza twirling contest, vegetable judging, and a city-wide bitch session in his honor. Chief Crabb Frank Lentine rearranged his golf tour schedule so that he, too, would be on hand for the event.

The Bethesda squad headed north up I-95, sent off by a small and unenthusiastic group of players’ wives and middle-aged bald male concubines. Most of the players slept on the trip, though George Bell and Roger Clemens lip-synched 2 Live Crew raps for an hour or two. No one really knows who was driving the bus, but the trip seemed to fly by. After what seemed like 5 hours or so (though it must have been 10), the bus pulled into the team hotel.

Out on Broad Avenue the Binghamton fans had begun to gather at the best spots along the parade route. The band from Deliverance entertained the early arrivals, while some naked couple disco-danced in the upstairs window of their two-family home. It was Binghamton at its best, no doubt about it. Afterwards, everyone looked forward to the baseball series between their favorite Crabbs and the visiting Bambinos.

The Bethesda team’s reservation was not on file at the hotel, but somehow enough room was found in the back seat of an automobile (it was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside) so that accommodations were found for all, though Edgar Martinez did grumble about how much better life would be in Beacon.

When morning came, Bethesda headed down the street to the ballpark. Somehow no one remembered Binghamton looking like this! Where did all these artists come from? And look over there, a bunch of people holding an AIDs Walk. Geez, in Washington you don’t have to walk very far to find that! Funny, Binghamton people sure do sound odd! And look at those New York noses! Despite the distractions (hey, isn’t that Bo Jackson over there? Wow! What’s HE doing here?) the Bambinos made it to the park.

Meanwhile, the Binghamton faithful were now heavily encamped along the parade route. I mean, heck, it’d been two weeks now since they first arrived! They knew that parade was going to start sometime soon, so they weren’t about to give up their best seats. Besides, that upstairs couple had moved on to some more meaningful activity - still in the window - and the band from Deliverance played on.

Back at the ballpark the Bambinos played their series against a very accommodating host. At the conclusion of the series the Bethesda team was presented a disk of the series and sent off with a quick wave good-bye. Clemens was baffled by the appearance of Bo Jackson during the series, but everyone else simply looked forward to getting home.

Bo went about his business, too. He thought to himself, “Bo knows the schedule, don’t he?”

About the time the Bambinos returned to Washington, the folks in Binghamton packed up and went home. The couple in the window had finally quit, but the band from Deliverance played on. King Crabb Lentine was anxious to return to his golfing, and after all, it had been a month since Tedeschi was due in Binghamton, soooo.....

The Crabbster reached deep into his pocketbook, pulled out a quarter, and called the Bambino’s main office. The only one in was the bus driver, so he took the call:

“Hello, this is Frank Lentine of the Binghamton Crabbs.”

“Hi Frank!” said the driver.

“I was just wondering when you might be getting into Binghamton,” said the Crabb. “You know, we were sort of expecting you four weeks ago.”

“What do you mean?” retorted the bus boy. “We were just in Binghamton. Just got back, in fact.”

“Well now, that’s odd. I live in Binghamton, and I never saw you.”

“Hold on now, Frankie-boy!” said the coachman. “If we weren’t in Binghamton, where were we? I mean, someone here must know the schedule, right?”

“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe you better figure it out and get back to me. My tee-off time is in thirty minutes. Bye!!!”

And with that, the innocent Crabb king rang off.

Now the wires heated up. The Bambino office scrambled to check the toll receipts and all to figure out where they had been. No one seemed to know!

Up in Greenwich Village, Joe Shabot was hanging up a sign outside his park that read: WE PLAY ALL COMERS. After all, not a day after the Bambinos had left town, the Birdsnest Bombers showed up ready to play!

“Man, this is really neat!” thought Joe. “I can play another 25 minutes of baseball! I wonder how long they’ve been in the back seat? I wonder who else is back there? Is that you, Stu?”

So, the next time you get lost, don’t worry. Someone in the Village will always accept you, whoever you are. And if you’re expected in Binghamton, don’t rush. You’ve got at least 3 weeks before they’ll miss you.

And if you’re expecting a visit from Bethesda, well, I suggest you send your own bus to pick them up.

Meanwhile, up on Broad Avenue, laughter could be heard coming from that two-family house.....and the band from Deliverance played on....

Epilogue: As a result of this episode, the “bus from Binghamton” became an idiomatic TCBA expression synonymous with mixed-up or late series reporting. In 1995, four years after the first “bus” got lost, instructions from Chuck McMath’s Hillsboro Jesters never made it to Binghamton. It was three weeks past the reporting deadline before the first Crabb call was made, giving all of us reassurance that the Binghamton Bus Lines were still operating!

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